Succinct, Objective Observations of the Deep South

Here are a few reflections on the past few days in the deep south, completely filled with my own biases, pre-conceived notions, and the fact that I am basing my horrifyingly judgmental opinions of an entire state on one stop at one gas station. I would try to be more scientific in my observations, but nobody likes science down here anyway.

1. Waffle House. I don’t know if I’ve actually been. I think I have, once, on a visit to Virginia, probably close to twenty years ago. More than the Starbucks of Seattle, more than the TimHo’s of Canucksville, are the great Waffle Houses of the American South. 

“My name is Arya of House Waffle, and I am here to kill you. Slowly, with cholesterol.” 

I remember some comedian years ago saying that the name of the Mason-Dixon line was being officially changed to the IHOP-Waffle House line, but today we passed through towns so devoted to batter-based breakfasts that they had both Waffle House(s) and IHOP.

2. Alabama. I have to say, a more positive experience this time. Definitely seeing some positives.

3. Arkansas. This was my second time ever being in Arkansas. It was an entirely different experience this time but, sadly, not much more positive. Based on today’s one stop at one gas station, I have concluded that the entire state smells like a combination of corn, fuel oil, and pig filth.

4. Mississippi. This was our first time ever traveling through (not to) Mississippi. It wasn’t a destination, but we did get to check it off the list. Driving through rural Mississippi, I kept thinking to myself that it looked just like every other highway in every other state. While thinking that, I saw a gas station that looked like every other gas station on every other highway in every other state. And when we pulled into that gas station, I thought “So this is what being 50th in education looks like.” The experience at the gas station haiku:

The loud voices speak

A language I can’t make out

But where are your teeth

5. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-klahoma! Why is every single rest area closed at the same time? What kind of planning is that? And how is it that you can drive 5 miles on a lonely country road, come to an intersection with another lonely country road, and there is a shiny new Dollar General on the corner? And… have you ever seen homes and shops in the countryside with bars on the windows? Hmmmmmmm….

7. Memphis. We spent two nights and one full day (read that as “two dinners”) in Memphis. Night one was Gus’s, for the very best chicken in ‘Murica. Morning and early afternoon was the excellent Memphis Zoo. One word: Bonobos.

Memphis is also one of only four zoos in the US that has giant pandas. And they were doing what pandas always do: Nothing. At this point, I am 100% sure that this whole panda thing is a ruse and they are stuffed or at best animatronic. I think the whole thing is about marketing, and also maybe they are smuggling something inside those big fat fake pandas. 

After the zoo, we visited Bass Pro Shops at The Pyramid. Yes, you read that right. It’s a giant store fer huntin’ and fishin’ inside a giant mirrored pyramid of giza that was once a basketball arena. You should definitely go, once.

Dinner was at Central BBQ, which is highest rated in Memphis. It’s tiny and only slightly sketchy, and pretty good. We have devised an inversion formula by which the sketchiness of the neighborhood and outward appearance of the BBQ shack is directly and inversely related to how good the food is inside. Multiple times in the past couple of days we have seen the absolute sketchiest looking roadside shack, and just known that the world’s best BBQ was inside.

8. Why is it so freaking hot down here?!?!? Seriously. Enough already.

9. Tomorrow we drive through (not to) Texas to Tucumcari, New Mexico.