Succinct, Objective Observations of the Deep South

Here are a few reflections on the past few days in the deep south, completely filled with my own biases, pre-conceived notions, and the fact that I am basing my horrifyingly judgmental opinions of an entire state on one stop at one gas station. I would try to be more scientific in my observations, but nobody likes science down here anyway.

1. Waffle House. I don’t know if I’ve actually been. I think I have, once, on a visit to Virginia, probably close to twenty years ago. More than the Starbucks of Seattle, more than the TimHo’s of Canucksville, are the great Waffle Houses of the American South. 

“My name is Arya of House Waffle, and I am here to kill you. Slowly, with cholesterol.” 

I remember some comedian years ago saying that the name of the Mason-Dixon line was being officially changed to the IHOP-Waffle House line, but today we passed through towns so devoted to batter-based breakfasts that they had both Waffle House(s) and IHOP.

2. Alabama. I have to say, a more positive experience this time. Definitely seeing some positives.

3. Arkansas. This was my second time ever being in Arkansas. It was an entirely different experience this time but, sadly, not much more positive. Based on today’s one stop at one gas station, I have concluded that the entire state smells like a combination of corn, fuel oil, and pig filth.

4. Mississippi. This was our first time ever traveling through (not to) Mississippi. It wasn’t a destination, but we did get to check it off the list. Driving through rural Mississippi, I kept thinking to myself that it looked just like every other highway in every other state. While thinking that, I saw a gas station that looked like every other gas station on every other highway in every other state. And when we pulled into that gas station, I thought “So this is what being 50th in education looks like.” The experience at the gas station haiku:

The loud voices speak

A language I can’t make out

But where are your teeth

5. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-klahoma! Why is every single rest area closed at the same time? What kind of planning is that? And how is it that you can drive 5 miles on a lonely country road, come to an intersection with another lonely country road, and there is a shiny new Dollar General on the corner? And… have you ever seen homes and shops in the countryside with bars on the windows? Hmmmmmmm….

7. Memphis. We spent two nights and one full day (read that as “two dinners”) in Memphis. Night one was Gus’s, for the very best chicken in ‘Murica. Morning and early afternoon was the excellent Memphis Zoo. One word: Bonobos.

Memphis is also one of only four zoos in the US that has giant pandas. And they were doing what pandas always do: Nothing. At this point, I am 100% sure that this whole panda thing is a ruse and they are stuffed or at best animatronic. I think the whole thing is about marketing, and also maybe they are smuggling something inside those big fat fake pandas. 

After the zoo, we visited Bass Pro Shops at The Pyramid. Yes, you read that right. It’s a giant store fer huntin’ and fishin’ inside a giant mirrored pyramid of giza that was once a basketball arena. You should definitely go, once.

Dinner was at Central BBQ, which is highest rated in Memphis. It’s tiny and only slightly sketchy, and pretty good. We have devised an inversion formula by which the sketchiness of the neighborhood and outward appearance of the BBQ shack is directly and inversely related to how good the food is inside. Multiple times in the past couple of days we have seen the absolute sketchiest looking roadside shack, and just known that the world’s best BBQ was inside.

8. Why is it so freaking hot down here?!?!? Seriously. Enough already.

9. Tomorrow we drive through (not to) Texas to Tucumcari, New Mexico.

The South: Chicken & Armadillos

Izzie's birthday dinner

We had a great time in Huntsville. Monte Sano State Park turned out to be a truly great place. It was 10-15 degrees cooler than in the valley, not too humid, and unbelievably low on mosquitos.

Friday morning I went on a terrific bike ride, and then hung out with my dad and sister. In the afternoon I got the rest of the gang and went back to visit with my dad, and then had pizza and Izzie's birthday with my sister's family.

This morning we got up and Gabe, Kieran, Izzie and I went mountain biking and then we all drove to Memphis. We drove through Mississippi, which makes 48 states for Liz, 47 for the boys, and 46 for me. I can't believe I'm behind (I missed a trip in '05), but we will all be at 48 by the end of the week. Except for Izzie, who made the mistake of being born a couple of years too late.

Mississippi Hot Dog
Mississippi Hot Dog
Mississippi Hot DogMississippi Hot DogMississippi Hot DogMississippi Hot DogMississippi Hot DogMississippi Hot Dog

Armadillo!

Riding at the Monte Sano overlook

We got to Memphis in mid-afternoon. We staying at Graceland RV Park, across the street from Graceland, and just behind the Heartbreak Hotel. No, I am not making that up. Kathy and Jerry arrived about an hour after we did, and we all went to Gus's for the very best fried chicken in America. (Me, before Gus's: “I shouldn't have too much fried food. I'll just have 1 or maybe 2 small pieces.” Me, after Gus's: “Mmmmmmmnnnnnnngggggggggahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggg”

It is HOT. Came to Memphis 5 years ago and it was 100 degrees. Came to Memphis today, and – wait for it – it's 100 degree's. But it's a dry heat.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggghhhhhht.

It actually wasn't fun to go swimming in the unheated campground pool, because it was too warm. True story.

Tomorrow we are going to the awesome Memphis Zoo, and then will probably sit in the air-conditioned campers all day, wishing it wasn't 100 degrees.

After that, it is off to Oklahoma City, as we make our way west.

HELL IS REAL

So declares every fourth billboard as you make your way from Kentucky, through Tennessee, and into Alabama. One of the other three shouts “ARE YOU GOING TO HEAVEN OR HELL?!?!?” (Izzie: “Mom, why does that sign ask that?” Liz: “That's so that everyone can answer 'yes.'” Genius. The other two billboards are, of course, for booze and an adult superstore.

It's important to mention/recognize at this point that camper driving is waaaaayyyyy different from car driving. It's not just a matter of paying attention more due to length. It's physically demanding, especially when you have to fight the crosswind. Last night's drive was two hours short, which means we added that to an already long day of driving. Our standard day's drive is 300-400, and today was more than 600. After 11 hours, we finally made it to the Alabama state line. And were surprised to discovered that Alabama has the narrowest traffic lanes in America. I couldn't actually keep the trailer between the lines.

I forgot to mention that last night there was a HE-YU-JAH thunderstorm. One boomer woke me up so quick my chest hurt. Got me thinking, now that I'm well on my way to becoming an old man... I wonder how many old guys have just kicked it because a clap of thunder hit them over the head in the middle of the night. Diane, I know you're wondering... I did remember the storm when I went outside and did not dump the 12 gallons of water from the kayaks onto my head. Sorry, better luck next time.

Anyway, last time we came to Huntsville, we stayed at the campground at the Space and Rocket Center. You know... Space Camp! It was great. A truly terrible campground, but you can watch the nerdlings from camp launch model rocket. ANNNNNNDDDD guys, guys, guys.... AND you could walk right over to the SR-71 and the Saturn V Rocket, exactly the one I had the plastic model of when I was 5! Squeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! Ahem, nerds. But that campgound was full and so we came to what is inarguably the most beautiful place in Huntsville, Monte Sano. Side note: if you've never been to Huntsville, it's sort of like the grossest parts of Henrietta and Greece and Gates all had a baby. Michigan friends, think Downriver. But on the eastern edge, away from the strip malls and strip mines (yes, they have lots of both), is this gorgeous mountain forest preserve. Side note #2: I randomly opened my unread 3-month-old Bike Magazine, and there is a pic of the MTB team from my nieces' and nephews' high school, riding here at Monte Sano, lined up right here in the campground. Huh. Small world. But, as always, I digress.

And so now, returning to the task at hand: Unfortunately for us, this park and campground is at the top of Monte Sano. You know those stories of people who follow the GPS and by the time they realize they're in trouble, it's way too late? Yeah, that. By the time you see the sign that says “Switchbacks ahead: No vehicles longer than 30 feet,” your 35-foot camper and the 19-foot vehicle that's pulling it have no place to turn around. And if you have ever driven super-sketchy, steep, twisting mountain roads, it was like that, except with a neighborbood. And stop signs that arrest whatever momentum you had.

But, we finally made it, and it's lovely. We stopped in to see my dad, who's doing a stint in rehab. No, not that rehab. He got hurt and needs to get better. Tomorrow I see my sister and her family.

And tomorrow is also the 10^th birthday of her wonderfulness, the princess of all, the glorious one, our darling Isabella.

Day 1: The Epic Journey Begins

Day 1: The Epic Journey Begins

...by having Yours Truly so frazzled that upon leaving home, I immediately took the wrong highway entrance, and got on 490 instead of the Thruway. Not a major crisis. But then discovered that 490 was actually closed, and we were stuck, and our first 20 minutes of the trip took nearly 4 times that.

Once we made it out of Rochester, it seemed like smooth sailing. At 5:30 pm, we stopped at the Pennsylvania welcome center for the world's fastest PBJ in the camper. Except we discovered that we had forgotten to pack the PB. And the J.

And our near-sacred vow to avoid fast food on the trip was obliterated by the very first meal.

After our delicious and productive fueling of Whoppers and Chicken Fries, we finally made it to the Ohio state line, heading toward our goal of Columbus. As we approached Cleveland, we realized that we wouldn't be getting there until sometime near 10:00 pm, and needed to call the campground and let them know that we would be arriving after hours. And their response was: “That's great, thanks for letting us know! Say, have you guys seen the weather report? Supposed to be a pretty good one. Anyway, you don't need to get your camper into your site as soon as you arrive. You'll probably want to just park as soon as you get here and shelter in the office. Or, actually, the bathrooms would probably be better. That's made of concrete.” Despite growing up in the midwest, I somehow always forget the Constant Fear of the Wrath of God that is daily and nightly life in the summer.

Having driven in very close proximity to tornados in the past, we decided to call it a night, and have ditched at a KOA south of Cleveland. Gave us time to set up and do Night 1 organization, have a catch, and have Kieran kindle the world's smallest campfire.

In the morning we depart for Huntsville, AL.

Follow the fun!

Over this past week, sooooooooo many people have asked “So do you have any summer travel plans?” And I tell them the story, just like this, each time: We had a plan, a fantastic plan, our plan was the best, the very best, we had the best people working on it, the very best people. Nobody else had a plan like this one, it was the very best.

Anyway,our plan was to spend the summer in the beautiful desert southwest. And I was so eager to get back to Moab to ride my bike in the mountain bike capital of the world. And to float our kayaks down the lazy part of the Colorado river. And then to visit Canyonlands and Arches and our tied-for-most-favorite-place Capitol Reef. Oh wait, let’s stop right there. Actually, Capitol Reef sucks. It is a terrible hellhole of a wasteland. You should never go there, and you should tell everybody you know to tell everybody they know to never go there. That way, we will, um, protect you from the horrors of this place, and I will go there just to turn away any unfortunate travelers. At any rate, that was Plan A. It was, as I said, a great plan. And it had only one potential flaw:

Luckily, my wise and generous father-in-law had Plan B, and had also made reservations in Glacier National Park.

And so we will visit Glacier in NW Montana, Rocky Mountain National Park, as well as Huntsville, AL to see my family, and Taos, New Mexico. Yes, we are doing a complete interior circuit of the United States.

“The mountains are calling, and I must go.”  —John Muir